Canary
by CommanderLavellan
Summary: Trevelyan's past slowly comes back to haunt her. She loses her family, because of a stupid mistake, and now she has to move forward. With the help of her friends, of course. (Could not think of a summary for this. No idea why, just couldn't.)
1. Canary

"We're going to get lost and starve to death, aren't we? A glorious end for the Inquisition." Dorian complained behind them as he rubbed and rolled his neck. Trevelyan had been looking for a dragon that has been causing trouble for their scouts as of late. She wouldn't mind if it chose to attack the Red Templar's or Venatori, but _nooo_ , it had to attack her scouts—even kill one of them. She listened to Blackwall and Dorian bicker behind her, Cole silently walked beside her, thumbing another coin he found on their travels. As she heard Dorian repeat again that she's lost them, she couldn't help but inwardly agree. She should have brought Varric, at least he could bullshit for her long enough until she knew where they were again. Trevelyan and her band of misfits gave up four hours later, still dragonless. Trevelyan sighed and stopped walking as they stood on the edge of a high cliff. She placed her hands on her hips and kicked a pebble over the edge, shaking her head.

"Damnit." Trevelyan hissed, her lips pouted out in disappointment.

"Better luck tomorrow, Inquisitor." Blackwall groaned, stretching his hands above his head, yawning. Trevelyan sighed, turning her back away from the cliff, " _Okay_. No dragon slaying tod—"

Trevelyan was cut off by a loud roar, the dragon zooming by the cliff and almost throwing the four off their feet with the wind that followed soon after.

"Was that a—" Dorian paled, the happiness that once covered his face changed to panic.

"Yes." Cole smiled, seeing Trevelyan start to jump in excitement.

" _Yes_!" Trevelyan pulled her staff out, turning around to face the cliff. She could see the dragon circling back around, ready to breathe ice on them. "Let's _do_ this!"

* * *

"Woohoo!" Trevelyan laughed as she started gutting the dragon.

"Ugh," Dorian covered his mouth and nose, making a disgusted noise, "This is why I hate coming along to kill dragons."

Trevelyan smiled, handing Blackwall his sword back and grabbed the dagger Cole offered her, "Oh, come now, Dorian. This is my favorite part! I hope I can find a nice outfit for you in it's stomach again."

"If I knew the outfit I am wearing right now was inside of a dragon, I would have never let it touch me." Dorian shook his head.

"That one wasn't in the dragon." Cole spoke, his head tilted at Dorian's robes, "It was on a corpse."

"That's just _lovely_." Dorian glared at Trevelyan as she crawled into the dragon's body, "You lied, Inquisitor."

Trevelyan's laugh echoes from within the dragon, "I wanted to see what you'd do if I told you I looted it from inside a dragon."

"You think I'd tear it off my body and walk around in my smalls?" Dorian crossed his arms.

Trevelyan jumped out of the body, holding the dragon's heart on her hands, Cole's dagger clipped to her belt, "Bull was with us, thought he'd enjoy the show."

"I don't know whether you were trying to help me or humiliate me." Dorian mumbled, taking the heart from her and creating a cooling barrier around it before placing it in his pack.

"Both." Trevelyan admitted, crawling back into the Dragon's body, "Ooh! I found a helmet! It looks like it would be perfect for Cassandra!"

* * *

"We passed by a waterfall about eight hundred yards east of here. I'll be taking a bath there, if anyone needs me." Trevelyan said, scratching off more dried blood from the dragon that was left over after exploring inside of it.

"We'll send someone for you if something happens." Bull nodded to her from the fire as she grabbed her pack next to her tent.

"Thanks, Bull. Keep an eye out for Red Templar's, their've been recent sightings of them." Trevelyan said before leaving camp. Trevelyan couldn't wait to jump into the water, freezing cold or steaming hot. This dragon's blood was irritating her skin and she needed to heal some wounds that she's sure she missed the first time going over her body. She was happy to find the waterfall without much trouble, even happier to see it was warm and deep.

"The bath I always wanted and never got." Trevelyan laughed, setting her staff down and pulling off her armor and smalls. She dove in, resurfacing under the waterfall. She stood, the water coming just above her waist and pushed her hair out of her face, tilting her head up. She pushed her fingers through her hair, pulling out the knots, sweat, and dried blood that had accumulated through her adventures today. She started scrubbing herself, scratching off the caked on blood, both her own and the dragon's, before submerging herself under water. She stood back up, a satisfied sigh escaping her lips before she left eyes on her.

"Cole!" Trevelyan's voice hitched, covering up her breasts and quickly turning around. Cole had been sitting on a boulder on the edge of the river, next to where she set her pack. His head was facing down, his hat covering his face. Trevelyan was frantic, _How much did he see? How long as he been there? What the—_

"I needed to apologize."

"Ca—Can you wait till I get back to camp?" Trevelyan face heated up, turning her head to look over her shoulder at Cole.

"No." He spoke after a long pause.

Trevelyan sighed, her face continued to heat up, "F—Fine, just...turn around..." She heard Cole shift and turned her head back around to see Cole's back was to her. She could hear the heel of his foot hitting the boulder and knew that something was wrong. He hadn't done that in over a month.

"I lied when I first met you." Cole stared down at his hands, rocking back and forth as he continued to kick his heel against the boulder.

"What do you mean?" Trevelyan furrowed her brows, scraping more dried blood off of her arms.

"You asked what I saw in you, when I focused on you...I lied."

"You didn't see brightness, I take it." Trevelyan sank down into the lake, letting the cool water relax herself.

"No...brightness did not come until later. The anchor, your mark, it was dark—a burden. You felt pain, guilt, anger, shadows followed you into the darkness—you fought to free yourself, like a caged bird. Picking at the locks but finding no matter how many times you picked them, you would still be stuck in the cage...a caged Canary."

Trevelyan froze, "W—What did you just say?"

"...Canary...that is what he called you, as he—"

"Stop." Trevelyan stood up, walking to her pack and pulling out new clothes. Cole's body was still turned away as she redressed. She forced her eyes shut as Cole continued to speak of him, what he'd done, what he did to her, what he knows—what she wished no one knew. She walked around the boulder as Cole slid off.

"'Canary.' He whispered, softly, lovingly, lying—"

"Stop!" Trevelyan pushed Cole back against the boulder he once sat on, her hand gripping his throat, the other balled into a fist at her side. Her body shook with rage and fear as Cole yelped, his eyes watching Trevelyan movements. Her eyes were shut tight, desperately trying to hold in the remainder of the tears that had forced their way out. Her finger nails dug into Cole's skin, her arm shaking, her body trembling as the memories that word brought up surfaced back in her mind. Trevelyan covered her mouth with her free hand, choking in a sob. She opened her eyes to look at Cole, the hand that clutched onto his throat went to cover her mouth as well, the tears streaming down her cheeks. She stared at Cole through her teary eye, sobbing into her hands. Cole hesitantly reached a hand out, placing it on her shoulder before she ran into his chest and cried, her fingers clutching onto his collar. He wrapped his arms around her, his brows furrowed as he felt a tear escape his own eye.

What had he just done? Did he do something wrong? Yes, he did. But what? Cole looked down at Trevelyan as she pulled her face away to look up at Cole.

"P—Please... _never_ do that...or bring...up that name...again." She spoke in between sobs. Cole nodded, his arms wrapping tightly around Trevelyan as she buried her face in his chest and continued to cry. Cole stared blankly at the waterfall, hiding his true emotions. He was confused, he had never seen Trevelyan like this before. What did Canary mean, why did it set her off? He had never gotten a full reading on her past, she knew how to block him out, knew that he would never dive too deep unless she gave him permission. This was not deep, though. When he started to speak about what he really saw, the small memory popped out at him. Crystal blue eyes. Brown disheveled hair. Caramel color skin. Musty, like the forest, but ugly, like a storm. Nightmares and daydreams. Nightmares become reality. Uniform that everyone hides behind, a uniform that everyone believes in. But Trevelyan didn't, doesn't. She was, is scared—terrified of that uniform, the uniform that haunts her dreams, both asleep and awake.

"I promise." Cole spoke, leaned his chin atop of Trevelyan's head, "I won't speak of it again."


	2. I Understand

"Josie," Leliana walked into Josephine's office, a sealed scroll in her hand and a grim look on her face, "The Inquisitor seems to have just received a letter from her family."

Josephine looked up from her papers, a confused look on her face, "So? We have received plenty of letters—"

"Not _directly_ from her parents." Leliana cut Josephine off, looking down at the scroll, "She's sent letter after letter to them after the Circles dissolved, never receiving a word back, she assumed it was because she allied with the Rebel Mages, but even after being announced as the Herald of Andraste or even after she officially became Inquisitor she never received a letter. Why now?"

"Maybe they finally see what good the Inquisition is doing after Halamshiral? Word has had to have reached them by now about how she saved Empress Celene, even made all three parties work together to make Orlais a better nation?" Josephine offered, shrugging.

"No." Leliana shook her head, "I've had my own scouts personally send messages from me, as the Left hand of the Divine, and they have always replied, on time. This..."

"Then what is your point, Leliana?" Josephine leaned her elbows onto her table, intertwining her fingers as she stared intently at Leliana.

"I did some digging and it seems our Commander had sent a letter to the Inquisitors parents a few days after our return from Adamant fortress. Specifically three days before he broke it off with the Inquisitor." Leliana crossed her arms, furrowing her brows.

"Oh, dear." Josephine tilted her head down, letting out a sigh, "Do you know what he sent, by any chance?"

"No, but it seems her parents sent something back to him, making him break it off with Trevelyan." Leliana sighed, "But right now, we need to give this to the Inquisitor. I don't have a good feeling about this."

"W—We?" Josephine squeaked, standing up.

"Yes. Someone will need to hold her back while the other tries to talk some sense into her." Leliana and Josephine walked out of her office.

"I hope I will be the one talking sense into her." Josephine mumbled, pulling on her sleeve.

* * *

"Inquisitor." Leliana walked into the tavern, Josephine quietly followed in behind her. Trevelyan sat at one of the tables in the bar with Cole, who was quietly sitting across from Trevelyan thumbing a dying flower, Varric and Dorian, who were debating with Trevelyan about her new found love for killing dragon's. Cullen and his some of his troops sat in the table behind Trevelyan, her and Cullen sat back to back, only a foot apart.

"Who died?" Trevelyan joked, seeing the grim look on her advisors faces. Leliana and Josephine glanced at each other. Josephine narrowed her eyes and motioned her head to Trevelyan, "Tell her."

"It seems that you've received a letter from your parents." Leliana held the scroll out, her gaze falling onto Cullen as his head snapped towards the three women.

"Really?" Trevelyan took the scroll and hastily pealed the seal, in disbelief and excitement. Varric chuckled next to her, "Don't ripe the letter, Inquisitor." Trevelyan hushed Varric, unwinding the scroll and started to read it.

" _Modest in temper, bold in deed._ "Trevelyan smiled, seeing her family motto written across the top of the letter. She had hoped that her parents would reply to her letters one day, she hadn't spoken to them since her fifteenth birthday.

"Canary—" Trevelyan breath hitched in her throat, her eyes widening as she re-read the word in her head, "N—No..."

 _Canary,_

 _It is my duty to inform you, Ailla Trevelyan, that you are no longer a member of the Trevelyan Household. Since the Commander of your Inquisition decided to inform our parents about the... **event** **s** that happened at the Circle Tower, they believe you to be a liar, looking for pity because you very well know that you are not the Herald of Andraste and are not fit for being the Inquisitor. A mage—a **lying** , **worthless** mage—would not be Andraste's chosen and is a disgrace to Thedas, and to this family, for being named Inquisitor. My father asked me to—_

Trevelyan shut her eyes, her shoulders shaking with rage. She quickly stood, the chair skidding across the ground, and twirled around to Cullen's table. The troops moved away just in time for Trevelyan to slam her hand down in front of Cullen, the wooden table creaking as she did so. The letter was wrinkled under her hand, her arm shaking as she glared down at Cullen.

"What. Did. You. **Do**." Trevelyan hissed, her teeth grinding together as she spoke.

"I—"

"How _dare_ you tell my parents— _my_ parents about what my brother did."

"I didn't mean—"

"You have lost any right to involve yourself in my personal affairs since telling me you didn't love me—since shutting me out of your life after Adamant." Trevelyan swore she could hear her teeth cracking as her jaw clenched. She was hissing through her teeth, her jaw already starting to feel sore from the pressure. She knew her voice was venom, seeing even her closest companions cower behind the table she once sat at.

"We should speak privately." Cullen stood, leaning his hands forward against the table.

"No." Trevelyan leaned forward, her voice low, "We will _never_ speak again...You are lucky that I can't fire you, Commander. But know that I will make your life a _living_ _ **hell**_ for doing what you have just done to me!" Trevelyan kicked a chair out of her way, storming out of the tavern. The foundation shook as she slammed the door behind her, burn marks left behind where her hands once were on the table, the letter untouched by her magic. Cullen stared down at the letter, Trevelyan's companions, save for Cole, quickly moving around Cullen to peer down at the letter as well.

"Canary..." Cole spoke softly, staring down at the flower he was thumbing, "It makes sense now."

"They...disowned her." Dorian picked up the letter, his eyebrows raised in shock as he continued reading the letter.

"They can do that? _Can_ they do that?" Varric asked, shocked as well, tilting Dorian's hand down so he could read the letter as well, "Oh...shit. Isn't that—?"

"Damien Trevelyan," Cullen hissed out, leaning his palms back on the table. Cullen hung his head down, ashamed, "...Her brother."

"The one who hurt her." Cole spoke, his voice shook a little, "I—I need to find her, to—"

"Stay away from her," Cullen quickly turned around, finger pointed and glaring at Cole, "She isn't one of your _experiments_."

"Hey!" Varric glared up at Cullen, "The Inquisitor is Cole's friend, and he is hers—if he feels the need to see if she is okay, he can very well go see her."

"He is—"

"None of your damn concern anymore, Curly." Varric growled, "He is the Inquisitor's friend and he can very well go check on her if he thinks she needs it."

Cullen's fingers wrapped around the pommel of his sword, snarling. Varric looked and Cole and motioned to the door, "Go check on her, Kid."

"Thank you, Varric." Cole quickly walked out, the flower he once held falling onto the ground of the tavern.

* * *

Cole walked up the stairs into Trevelyan's quarters, hearing the swishing metal daggers made while spinning through air. He saw Trevelyan standing on top of the railing of the balcony, staring off into the mountains, the dagger he heard while coming up was being thrown through the air, Trevelyan catching it even if it was the bladed side. He could see some blood on the dagger, a small amount dripping from her palm. She never flinched, cringed, or make any noise as the blade cut against her skin, again and again. But silent tears fell down her cheeks, hatred and betrayal burned in her eyes, the brightness that Trevelyan showed to him was gone—the darkness with the flock of Canary that bore into his mind returned. The anchor showed no light in the tunnel, now the burden brought darkness, hatred, guilt.

"You know," Trevelyan caught the hilt of the dagger, looking down at the empty cold fog from the mountain below her, "I was the favorite child before my magic manifested, my siblings knew it—I knew it, and because of it I thought I would always be untouchable. I was skilled was throwing daggers and using a sword at the age of eight. Then, on my ninth birthday, one of my cousins felt the need to prove I wasn't skilled, challenged me, a nine-fucking-year-old, to a duel...I killed her, completely by accident, but it wasn't even with my sword. My hand slipped on a dagger, she had cut my arm and blood was everywhere, and a bolt of lightning shot out from my palm and...the bolt of lightning went straight through her body...right through her heart.

"I was scared, terrified, confused...so many things went through my mind in a single moment and the next thing I knew, my older brother had me in chains and taken to the Circle...'You are no longer untouchable, sister. Prepare to be broken.' This wasn't the same brother that did...everything to me. This brother was actually killed by another mage, one he was hunting down soon after I arrived at the Ostwick Circle. The brother who hurt me, Damien...He started working at my Circle when I turned sixteen." Trevelyan looked down at the dagger and seeing the blood that dripped from the side of her palm. She looked back down at the fog and stretched her hand forward, letting the dagger drop into the abyss.

"I know you aren't going to jump," Cole's voice shook, "But can you please get down from the ledge?"

"If you know I'm not going to jump, why—" Trevelyan stopped speaking when she saw the frightened look on Cole's face. She quickly turned around and jumped onto the balcony. She stretched a hand out to Cole, quickly pulling it back before moving past him and into her room. She grabbed a cloth off of her desk and wrapped it around her bloodied palm. Cole silently followed her, standing in front of her as she turned around. The tears were now gone, only dried up streaks on her face showed that she had ever cried. Her face was reading his, even through the hair and the hat. She tried countless times to figure him out, what he wanted, why he helped. She understood wanting to help other people, letting them forget on both his and their parts.

 _I find people when their pain leaves them open. I ease the pain. I leave. They forget...That was enough for me._

Cole had told her and Varric, explained why he needed the people he helped to forget—how it helped the person heal and kept him save. But why hasn't he made her forget with him? He has never tried, not really. When he kissed her scars, he somehow lead Cullen to the room—made it look like Cullen was the one helping and not him. He never wanted her to forget, or maybe he did but...

"Why?" She stared up at him, her brows furrowed. "Why do you care so much about me? About what has happened to me? What might happen to me? Why haven't you made me forget?"

Cole locked his gaze with her own, his head tilted down to look at her, "I care about you."

"Why check up on me? Help me? Over and over? You tried making it look like Cullen helped me, after Haven...but you didn't wipe my memory clean—you made sure I remembered it was _you_ who helped me."

"I care about you." He repeated.

"Almost all of my companions do but you're the only one who ever makes sure I'm okay."

"Blackwall checks on you." Cole pointed out.

"Not since I found out about his secret." Trevelyan crossed her arms, tilting her head to the side. Cole remained silent, pondering about who else checks up on her. The only other option he could think of was Cullen, but he only cared to check up on her, ask her how she was doing, when they were romantically involved. She admitted to liking Blackwall before the truth about him came to light. Did Blackwall only check up on her because he was interested in her as well?

"I..." Cole averted his gaze, his brows knotting together behind his bangs. Did he care for Trevelyan like Cullen and Blackwall once did? How would he even realize it? Do people realize it when they meet? When they get to know each other? Did he—

"Cole?" Trevelyan placed the non-wounded hand on his cheek, a worried expression on her face. She was worried, about him, again. She had a million things to be angry at, to be worrying about, yet she was worried about him. He should be worrying about her right now, not the other way around. A faint smile found it's way onto Cole's lips, placing his hand over Trevelyan's.

"I care about you."

"You've said that already, Cole." Trevelyan averted her gaze, a faint blush creeping on her cheek as Cole rubbed his thumb against her knuckles.

"I care about you, but, not like I did before, in the beginning. I care more than I should, am allowed to. I shouldn't care this way, but I do. I—" Trevelyan stood on her tiptoes and lightly pressed her lips against Cole's, silencing him.

"I understand." Was all she said, a smile on her face as she left her quarters.


	3. Varric

_One kiss breaches the distance between friendship and love._

* * *

Cole sat alone on the ramparts in the middle of the night, his foot taping against the bricks as he rocked back and forth. His mind was clear, at least from the other people around Skyhold, but his own problem was swimming around in his head. Was it a problem? It didn't seem that way. Since Trevelyan had kissed him, nothing has changed. She didn't avoid him, she hasn't treated him any differently, at most she averts her eyes from him when he looks toward her. Is this how women acted when they liked someone? Did Trevelyan like him? Was he allowed to ask? How do people go about relationships? Or starting one? He should ask Varric, or should he figure it out on his own? Maybe Dorian? When Trevelyan is near him, his hands get sweaty, he becomes nervous, anxious. He's afraid he might say something wrong, or make a fool of himself. He's never been nervous like that before. He was worried when he went out with Trevelyan and Varric when he became more human but they helped him, made it fun and natural. Was what he was feeling natural? Was feeling nauseous around Trevelyan natural? Cole tilted his head towards the door when he heard it open. Varric walked through, one hand raking through his disheveled hair and the other holding a half empty bottle of dwarven ale.

"I thought I heard someone walking around." Varric yawned, walking over to Cole, "Couldn't sleep?"

"Sleeping has been...difficult." Cole looked back out towards Skyhold, "I am getting better at it though."

"So, Kid," Varric pulled himself onto the wall and twisted around, facing Skyhold with Cole, "What's keeping you awake on this glorious night?"

"I have a lot on my mind." Cole looked down at Varric, "I'm not use to thinking so much about one thing. It was easier, when I was more like a spirit. Now that I am becoming more Human it seems..."

"You okay, Kid?" Varric leaned his forearms against his thighs, "You've been distant, aloof even."

"I do not know, honestly." Cole spoke softly, looking down at Varric, "I've never had these emotions before, I don't know what they are or how to deal with them."

Varric shrugged, "Try explaining them to me. My expertise should be put to _some_ use."

"My stomach feels...shaky, nervous, it flips and makes me feel sick, but a good kind. Almost welcomed. I love the feeling but I don't very much care for it either." Cole tilted his head down, furrowing his brows and playing with his gloves.

"Like tiny butterflies fluttering around?" Varric chuckled, taking a swing of Ale.

"Yes!" A heart warming laugh left Cole's lips, "That's it! That's exactly it! A—And my chest...it's hard to breathe, almost unbearable, it hurts but not physically. It aches sometimes, usually when I am alone. I feel dizzy too, like I'm about to pass out but then...a smile."

" _Her_ smile?" Varric smirked, bringing the bottle up to his lips.

"...Yes." Cole tilted his head down, hiding his own smile. "But...spirits should not have these feelings. Solas—"

"She gave you a choice, Cole." Varric straightened up, becoming more serious as he spoke, "She let you make the decision to become more human. She asked you what you wanted. Your opinion matters to her. She just wants you happy, Kid."

"What of Solas?" Cole shook his head, "He doesn't approve of what I am feeling."

"Chuckles is just pissed that his own spirit mistress, or master, didn't chose to flow out of the fade like you did."

"But I didn't—"

"I know, Kid." Varric drank the last of his ale, "I was trying to make a joke but it has recently come to my attention that I'm not exactly funny while intoxicated."

"Cassandra thought it was funny when you fell off the ramparts last week." Cole looked back out towards Skyhold.

Varric grunted back, "I'll keep that in mind next time I see her." The two sat in comfortable silence, Varric throwing his empty bottle behind him, over the ramparts and down into the mountain fog.

"She kissed me." Cole spoke after Varric leaned back forward, "A week ago, she kissed me. I told her that I cared about her, more than a spirit should be allowed. I was rambling and she kissed me and said 'I understand.' And she left."

"She just left?" Varric chuckled, shaking his head. _What a tease._

"I care for her...I am still not sure if I am allowed to. Many people here don't seem to like the idea of her with... _me_." Cole tilted his head down, a very noticeable frown plastered on his lips.

"Honestly," Varric grunted, leaning his elbows against his thighs, "A lot more people would rather see you with her. After the whole Cullen fiasco, a lot of people aren't pleased with him—me included. Bull and Dorian have bets to see what happens with you two. Pretty much everyone in Skyhold has bet on you two—"

"I know." Cole turned his head to the side, looking at Varric, "People's minds aren't as quiet as I would like them to be."

Varric chuckled, slapping his hand on Cole's shoulder, "I'm glad I don't have that gift. Maker knows I would abuse the shit out of it." Cole laughed, straightening his back as he did so.

"The point is, Kid, you care about her. From the way you look at her, no one could deny it. You worry, a lot. When she chooses not to take you on missions, you panic, you worry. It's natural when you've come to care about someone like the way you care for her." Varric turned around on the wall and hoped off, "Do what you want to do, Kid. Maker only knows if we will be alive by time Corypheus shows himself."

"Thank you, Varric." With that Varric left, leaving Cole to his thoughts.


	4. Forgive and Forget

**MAY OR MAY NOT BE A TRIGGER FOR SOME. PLEASE BE CAUTIOUS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**

* * *

Trevelyan took a deep breath and pushed the door to Cullen's office open. He stood at his desk, a few of the Inquisitions guards surround the desk with him as he talked to them about their plan of attack in the Arbor Wilds. Trevelyan silently shut the door behind her, leaning on the wall with her arms crossed as Cullen continued to speak with his men. She furrowed her brows and stared at the ground as she tried to think of how to speak to Cullen. It's been at least three months since they spoke directly, not including the stand off they had in the tavern a month and a half ago. She fixed her gaze on Cullen, waiting for him to finish up so she could get this stupid meeting over with. Why couldn't they just meet in the damn war room with the others? He knew she didn't want to deal with him.

 _Another way to piss me off._ Trevelyan bit the inside of her cheek, narrowing her eyes at Cullen as he caught her gaze. She had to keep repeating in her head not to bite his head off until after his men left. She agreed to herself to be civil in front of others, keep the hateful remarks to herself and act like the Inquisitor. But seeing him continue to stare at her while he talked with his men, a gaze she hasn't seen on him since before Adamant Fortress, made her stomach churn.

"You are dismissed." Cullen spoke, standing up straight and nodding to his men as they left. The men left from the door Trevelyan walked through, Cullen shutting the door behind them as a loud sigh escaped his lips.

"It never ends." He leaned his forehead against the door, his eyes shutting.

"Did you need something, Commander?" Trevelyan tilted her head to the side to look at Cullen, her arms still crossed and her glare still cold. Cullen moved his head against the door to look at her, his lips slowly forming into a frown as he saw Trevelyan's glare.

"Yes...I owe you an explanation."

"It's kinda late now, don't you think?" Trevelyan pushed herself off of the wall and walked over to Cullen's desk, "You owed me one three months ago."

"I...I didn't want to believe those stories you told me—"

"So you sent a letter to my parents, which you know fully well I haven't spoken to in over a decade, asking them if these stories were true." Trevelyan finished for him, picking herself off the ground and sitting on his desk.

"Yes." Cullen twisted around, leaning his back against the door, "I did."

"I'm assuming this explanation will enlighten me on why exactly you came to the conclusion I was lying about what my brother did to me."

"I—..." Cullen sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, "Maker's breath...I knew this wouldn't be easy but—"

"You didn't trust me because I am a mage." Trevelyan pulled a knee under her chin, tilting her head down to lean on it, " _Don't_ trust me because I am a mage."

"That isn't—"

"Then why, Cullen? Why feel the need to send a message to my parents _asking_ if I was raped by my brother? If my brother put all these marks on my face?" Trevelyan shot up, balling her fists, "Do you think that would be something my parents knew? No one in the Circle, or outside of the Circle, knew that my brother raped me—not until I joined the Inquisition, not until _you_. I trusted you with that information, Cullen. I...I thought I could trust you."

"You can, Trev—" Cullen took a step forward.

"No." Trevelyan spoke softly, shaking her head, "No, I can't. You...Why didn't you speak with me, Cullen? Why send a message to my parents? Honestly, did you expect them to say 'Yes, our daughter was raped by her brother.' Is that the answer you were hoping for?"

"I don't know what answer I was looking for." Cullen hung his head.

"I think you knew. You knew, whether or not my parent either confirmed or denied the story, that you would end it." Trevelyan's shoulder shook as she held in her tears, "No one wants to be with someone who was... _touched_ by their own family."

"That isn't true..." Cullen hesitantly took another step forward, and another until he reached Trevelyan and wrapped her in his arms. She didn't push him away, she couldn't. She didn't understand why either. She's wanted to cause this man pain, make him suffer for making her lose her entire life. But he comforted her, stroked her cheek, forced her to look up at him. His eyes were glazed with unshed tears, silently pleading with her to forgive him. That he loves her, that he will never forgive himself until she forgives him. How could she forgive him? Because of him she no longer had a family, a home. When the Inquisition was no more, she would be either an apostate or back in the tower, cowering under her bed and crying in her pillow until the next round of templars decided to have some fun with the mages.

She was so caught up in her thoughts, she hadn't realized his lips had grazed hers and the tears had started falling from his eyes. She tasted his tears, salty and regretful. She never knew she could taste regret, she liked it. She liked knowing that this man hurt, that he caused his own pain. But it wasn't fulfilling because he was sorry, for anything and everything he'd done to her. No, she couldn't let this happen.

"No." Trevelyan spoke rigidly, pressing a hand against Cullen's chest and firmly pushing him back.

"I—I thought—"

"You lost any chance of being with me, Cullen." Trevelyan moved around Cullen, walking over to the door. Cullen turned and watched her, moving closer to his desk and gripping on the edges. Trevelyan stopped at the door, her hand planted against the wood.

"I no longer have time to care about your feelings," Trevelyan spoke faintly, her eye staring down at the door handle, "I can no longer trust you...Commander. I can never forget what you did to me..."

"I—"

"But," Trevelyan cut him off, turning her head a little to the side for him to see her face, "I can try and start to forgive you. We leave for the Arbor Wilds as dawn. Be sure the Inquisition's army is ready for the journey."

"Yes...Inquisitor." Cullen leaned back on his desk with a loud thump. He watched Trevelyan leave, silently cursing at himself to chase after her. But she made it clear. He fucked up, they were done, she would never trust him again and he deserved it.


	5. Wicked Grace

**Chapter 5**

* * *

The Arbor Wilds was a success. Corypheus was less powerful and Samson was captured. The sick man had apparently talked non-stop while Cullen and his men brought the Lyrium addict to Skyhold, it took almost a week to get him here – Red Templar's had been following. But these Templar's were weak, with no new red lyrium since Trevelyan had taken over the Temple of Dumat, they're now going through withdraw. When her advisors arrived back at Skyhold, everyone took to celebrating. Skyhold was ablaze in spirit, happiness and joy – something Trevelyan didn't realize she missed, or needed. Seeing her friends, _finally_ , relax a little...it was stress relieving. Playing Wicked Grace, getting drunk, telling stories, she had never gotten any of that in the Circle – or anytime in her life. She could never sit down and just be herself. She was either the prodigy, the Circle Mage who needed to keep her head down, The Herald of Andraste, or the Inquisitor. She was never just Ailla Trevelyan, but tonight...her friends, her family, made her feel like herself again.

"Who's up for another round?" Trevelyan smirked, flipping another sovereign from her thumb. She had robbed the last of her awake friends of any coin they had left from the previous game.

"There's no way I could win back any dignity." Cullen mumbled, looking down at his empty cup.

"Probably not." Blackwall grunted next to him, "The only thing left to bet is the clothes on our backs."

"Which I would suggest neither of you do," Varric laughed from across the table, "You both suck at this game. Here I thought Curly would have at least learned something from me." Trevelyan laughed behind her mug, smirking at the annoyed look Cullen gave Varric.

"Well," Solas set his drink down and stood up, "If we aren't playing another round, I have things to do."

"Gonna go mess around in the Fade?" Varric smiled and made kissy noises, "I'm sure your lover misses you." Solas waved Varric off, cursing in elven at the dwarf, before heading out the tavern door.

"Cass? Bull?" Trevelyan turned to the side to look at the warriors.

"I need to go attack my men." Bull stood up, slightly tipping to the side, "I need them in top shape at all times."

"You're not even in top shape." Cassandra noticed as Bull caught himself from falling over.

"I can still fight when I'm like this." Bull defended himself, walking out the door.

"Please don't hurt anyone!" Trevelyan called after him.

"I should go as well," Cassandra stood up, "It is getting late and Leliana needed to speak with me in the morning about the new...position we've been offered."

"Okay," Trevelyan nodded at Cassandra as she left, "Goodnight!"

"Anyone else want to leave before the next round?" Varric looked around the table, "Curly? Ruffles? Hero? Bu—...Where _is_ Buttercup?"

"She passed out under the table a while ago, Varric." Trevelyan pointed downward, "She can't handle liquor well."

"You would know." Varric chuckled.

"I _should_ go." Josephine stood up, "As much as I would love to play, there are still letters to be written and delegations to conclude."

"At this hour?" Cullen asked.

Josephine nodded, turning her head to Blackwall, "We still need to speak, Blackwall. There are still matters that need your attention involving your...lie."

"Understood." Blackwall nodded, "Would now be a good time to speak or tomorrow?"

"Either is fine." Josephine headed for the door, "I will wait for you." Trevelyan waited until Josephine was out the door to smirk at Blackwall. She rested her elbow against the table and placed her chin in her palm. Varric soon mirror her, smirking at the man as well.

"If you two are going to make fun of me, do it already." Blackwall picked up his mug and drank the rest of his ale.

"I think it's cute." Trevelyan's smirk changed into a smile, "A lot of things have been shit lately. It's nice that the feel of Skyhold is changing. Love is in the air, happiness is everywhere...Compared to how Skyhold felt in the beginning, this was a much needed change."

"Speaking of love..." Varric turned in his chair, fixing his smirk on Trevelyan, "How's your love life going, hmm?"

Trevelyan started shuffling the cards, shrugging, "It went up in flames... _why_?" Trevelyan turned her head to Varric, narrowing her eyes.

Varric shrugged, "Nothing, nothing...just heard some rumors."

"Rumors?" Blackwall leaned forward on the table, "I have to hear this."

"Don't you have a lady to go please?" Trevelyan mumbled, bringing her attention back to the cards.

"So," Varric's smirk continued to grow, "Who's the lucky Kid?" Trevelyan froze, only for a second. She hoped no one noticed the subtle, but extremely obvious (to her) hint.

"One of the new recruits?" Cullen asked, leaning his elbows against the table.

"From the rumors, he's definitely a fighter, but also has a kind and gentle heart." Varric turned back to his drink, knowing he had already pissed Trevelyan off. Trevelyan's face tinted red as Varric continued to announce the rumors, which she's almost positive he spread, out to the two men.

"Can we please not talk about my love life with Cullen." Trevelyan started passing out the cards, trying hard to concentrate on anything but the wondering look Cullen kept giving her.

"Why?" Varric asked, "I thought you two were okay now?"

"We are." Trevelyan nodded, looking up at Cullen, "But the Commander isn't taking the news of a potential lover very well."

Varric looked over at Cullen as he raised an eyebrow at Trevelyan, "What do you mean? I'm...happy that you've found someone." He furrowed his brows as Trevelyan leaned over the table.

"You forgot how well I can read you, Cullen." Trevelyan flicked his forehead, "The creases on your forehead only show up when you're thinking too much. Your lips thinned as soon as you showed interest in the topic, which usually means you're either annoyed or curious...both most likely. I could say more but I won't, the shocked expression on your face gives everything away. I am correct."

"Damn!" Varric laughed at Cullen, "She got you!"

"So there _is_ someone?" Cullen mumbled, looking down at his cards.

"There is." Trevelyan admitted, smiling down at her cards.

Varric nudged her, smirking, "Do we know him?"

Trevelyan turned her head down to look at Varric, "You already know the answer to that."

"What's he like?" Blackwall asked.

"Exactly like Varric said," Trevelyan mumbled, setting her cards down, "Caring, gentle, nice...He has my back in a fight, he looks out for me...I can count on him for almost everything."

"What's he look like?" Varric asked, picking up his cards.

Trevelyan closed her eyes, trying hard to control herself from punching Varric, " _Why_?"

"Why not?" Cullen shrugged, "Would it be too obvious to who he is if we knew his appearance?"

" _Someone's getting jealous_." Blackwall sang into his newly filled mug.

"I am not! I simply worry—"

"If you must know," Trevelyan cut Cullen off, "...He has pale blue eyes. Beautiful pale blue eyes...I get lost in them whenever I see them, and they are a treasure to see...he doesn't show them often. He's a little on the scrawny side but built well, he has enough strength to deal with endless demons, wardens and crazed templars. He has an odd hairstyle, and odd colored hair. It hurts to look at it in certain light, the sun just shines on it and...he reminds me of the sun. So beautiful and magnificent, so bright and brilliant. He's so radiant I can't help but smile when I see him, he just walks into a room and I feel my spirits lift and—He's so interested in the world! He loves flowers and loves exploring new places. I love how he is is interested in everything, I love how he cares about everyone and everything! I love him and—"

Trevelyan stopped talking once she realize how much she had said. She saw the stunned look on both Blackwall and Cullen's face, Varric's face was even twisted into a shocked expression. Trevelyan's face flushed the darkest shade of red, "... _anddddddd_ I can't believe I just said all that...th—those thoughts were supposed to stay locked away in the deepest and darkest parts of my mind... _ **forever**_."

Trevelyan stood up after no one spoke for a full minute, her chair falling back against the floor as she scurried out of the tavern. She was mortified, how the hell could she just say all that in front of them? She said she loved him! D—Did...did she love him?

"Wow." Blackwall was the first to speak after a couple minutes, "I...never realize someone could feel like that...so much love for another person."

"I _so_ can not wait to start by book about this place." Varric smiled, looking towards the door. He looked over at Cullen when the warrior still hadn't said anything, "You alright, Curly?"

"Maker…" Cullen breathed out, frowning. He placed his head in his hands, "That could have been me...I could have been...I'm such an _idiot_."


	6. Dance With Me?

**Chapter 6**

* * *

Trevelyan was confused, annoyed, angry...how could there still be no sign of her siblings? They cleared Emprise du Lion, with no inkling to her disappeared family, and continued onto the Emerald Graves. They had decided to make camp as it grew dark, even though Trevelyan kept pushing that they could handle a night without sleep. The camp was made fairly quickly, her companions resting around the fire, drinking and eating the burnt deer Sera killed for dinner. Trevelyan sat a ways away from the camp under a tree, glaring down at a map of Emprise du Lion Scout Harding had given her. She had covered every inch of that damn place and nothing. _Nothing_. Not one sister, or brother, or even a damn cousin...She didn't care that she wasn't a ' _Trevelyan_ ' anymore, she didn't care that her family hated her, she needed to know that they were okay – they they weren't Red Templar's. She knew Damien wasn't one of them, from that stupid letter he sent, but he hadn't said anything about their siblings. And since her parents decided to ignore her, she knew less than nothing. She had to have better luck at the Emerald Graves. Leliana's scouts had reported new Red Templar's, and more Red Lyrium veins. So much for the Red Templars staying weak. Trevelyan leaned her head back against the tree, her eyes looking towards Solas as he started playing the lute he found in their travels across camp.

Trevelyan chewed on her bottom lip, looking back down at the map. It was a possibility that her family had returned back home after the Conclave was destroyed, leaving the Templar's once they strayed away from the Chantry – maybe even ran when they saw the new form of lyrium? Trevelyan sighed, it was too much to hope. She knew her family wouldn't run from the Templar's, honor and pride and all the crap the Trevelyan parents taught their children from birth. She needed to clear her mind, think of where else, beside the Emerald Graves, where Red Templar's have been sighted recently.

"You think Quizzy's alright?" Sera asked, looking over her shoulder as Trevelyan cursed loudly.

"No." Cole spoke softly, his knees pulled against his chest, arms wrapped around his legs. Sera waited a few seconds, loudly groaning when Cole didn't continue.

"You're not gonna tell us _why_?" Sera pulled out an arrow from her quill that laid next to her, starting to sharpen it out of annoyance.

Cole tilted his head down, hiding his face, "She doesn't want me to intrude."

"Well, someone should check on her...or at least tell her to curse quietly." Dorian commented once Trevelyan cursed loudly again, "Between Solas' music and Trevelyan's cursing, I'm sure enemies will find us and wait till we're asleep to tear our hearts out and slit our throats."

"You've obviously had time to think about how we're going to die." Blackwall grunted, narrowing his eyes at Dorian.

The mage shrugged, "I'd think you of all people would think of a million ways to how you will perish."

"...Point taken." Blackwall looked down at his ale, taking a gulp. Another loud curse, followed by some spells.

"Ok—ay, yeah," Cassandra set her book down, about to stand, "I will—"

"I will." Cole stood, tugging on his sleeves.

"I thought she didn't want you to intrude?" Varric smirked at Cole as he started walking.

"Only in her thoughts." Cole said back, moving past the others and heading towards Trevelyan. Varric shrugged, turning back to his ale, "You know best, Kid." Cole made his way to Trevelyan and held his hand out, a light tint of red staining his cheeks behind his hat. Trevelyan looked at Cole's hand before looking up at him.

"Dance with me?" He asked, quietly. Trevelyan raised an eyebrow in question, looking back down at Cole's hand. She set the map down next to her as Cole spoke.

"Your mind isn't quiet tonight. It's loud and I want it quiet." Cole's chewed his lip, tilting his head to hide his face more, "I—I mean...I want it quiet for you, not for me. I want you to be okay. I—I'm sorry! I know you don't like it wh—"

Trevelyan took Cole's hand, standing up, "I would love to dance, Cole."

Cole showed a small smile, leading her away from the tree.

"Wha's he doing?" Sera asked, looking up from sharpening her arrow.

On his way towards the small clearing between Solas and the group, he pulled off his hat and set it on top of Varric's head. Varric jumped, in surprise, tipping the hat up to see Cole pull Trevelyan to him. He heard Bull curse next to him, knowing he had lost the bet.

"Al _right_!" Varric looked back at Bull, a smug smirk on his face, "You and Buttercup were the only two, that bet wrong. When we get to Skyhold, you have a lot of people to pay."

Bull groaned, downing the last of his ale in sadness. Sera cursed, glaring at Varric, "It ain't right! It wasn't supposed to happen yet!"

"Technically, it hasn't." Blackwall said, "Neither of them have actually _admitted_ liking each other."

"Yes they have!" Varric quickly said, "You heard her at the tavern."

"Have they told each other yet?" Blackwall asked, leaning back against the log.

"Shit." Varric looked down at his drink before looking over at Trevelyan and Cole. Cole placed his left hand on the small of Trevelyan's back, taking her hand in the other as she rested her right hand on his shoulder.

"It's okay," He noticed Trevelyan's shaky fingers, "I'm leading."

Trevelyan mumbled, averting her eyes, "S—Sorry."

Cole hummed, "You don't need to apologize." Trevelyan opened her mouth to reply, looking up at Cole, but shut her mouth and silently thanked him. Cole's brow was furrowed as he started to dance with Trevelyan, his eyes watching his feet as he moved around. He was biting his bottom lip, deep in thought as he created a pace. He smiled once he did and moved his head back up to look at Trevelyan, who has now concentrated on her own feet.

"Taking lessons on the side?" Trevelyan mumbled jokingly, refusing to take her eyes off of her feet. She was worried she would step on his feet, terrified in fact. She's only danced once before, at the Winter Palace with the Duchess. She was amazed she didn't make a fool of herself. She was pulled from her thoughts when Cole leaned his forehead against hers. Trevelyan's eyes slowly moved up to catch his, her voice caught in her throat as his lips curved up into toothy grin.

"Just relax." He laughed before pulling away and spinning her. He pulled her back into his arms as she laughed, his beaming smile never leaving his face as they continued to dance. Trevelyan's eye were glued to Cole's, all sense of worry and doubt left her body as he danced with her, held her. Cole maneuvered his fingers to intertwine with Trevelyan's, pulling her closer to him. Trevelyan moved her hand from his shoulder to curl around his neck, her fingers twisting into his stray hairs.

Varric appeared next to Solas, "For someone who was so against this relationship, you seem to be encouraging it."

Solas continued to play, looking down at the lute, "Cole is no longer a spirit, there's no need for me to continue to dislike something that is normal for humans."

"Uh-huh." Varric leaned back on his palms, "You expect me to believe that?"

"I didn't believe that someone, something, could change the essence of what they are, but seeing them together - once a spirit and now _human_ …" Solas looked up at Trevelyan and Cole. The dance had slowly down, nearly to them not moving at all. They stared lovingly at each other, leaning their foreheads together, a smile on both their faces.

"Maybe an essence of a person can change." Solas mumbled, his fingers slowly stopped strumming against the lute. Cole and Trevelyan were in their own world, not realizing the music had stopped and now their friends were making kissy noises around them.

"You all are childish." Cassandra made a disgusted noise, putting her nose back in her book.

"Says the one readin' _that_ romance smut crap." Sera commented back, sticking her tongue out at the warrior. Cassandra stuck her tongue back out before sticking her nose back in her book.

"You think we should, I dunno, give them some privacy?" Blackwall mumbled, looking at everyone.

"Nope." Varric moved back over to the group, sitting down, "We're the sort of friends that cock-block."

"Totally." Sera snorted, laughing.

"Your mind is quiet now." Cole shut his eyes, his smile only growing.

"Everything is quiet now." Trevelyan whispered back, her eyes looking to the side at her spying friends, "Maybe we should—" Cole cut Trevelyan off, pressing his lips against hers. Trevelyan's eyes grew in shock before slowly shutting, her friends whistling behind them.

"We win!" Cassandra yelled, leaning up on her knees with her arms held above her in victory. Her book fell to her side, forgotten. Varric looked over at her, smirking, "And you say _we're_ childish."

Cassandra cleared her throat and sat back down, picking her book back up and hiding her embarrassment behind it, "Shut up."


	7. moving

I AM **OFFICIALLY MOVING** TO MY **AO3 ACCOUNT** ( ** _SooraLavellen_** ) IS JUST TOO ANNOYING NOW. I APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE, IT'S JUST TOO MUCH OF A HASILE. HOPE TO SEE YOU ALL ON MY AO3 ACCOUNT! MUCH LOVE!

 **~ VanguardShepard-Commander / SooraLavellan / CommanderLavellan ~**


End file.
